Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My pussy is not your playground.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
