wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize