i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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