My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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