I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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