I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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