I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
