apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize