The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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