Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
