it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
