Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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