My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
