Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize