Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize