So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize