I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
