be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
