I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
