Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
