John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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