I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
