Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
