Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
