Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
