he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
