He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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