I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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