woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
