I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
