if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
