i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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