Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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