Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Randomize
