Please, let me fuck your mom
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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