I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
