how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
