im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
