Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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