Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
