then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
