We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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