I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
