Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
