I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
