if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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