Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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