Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
