Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize