you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
