if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
