I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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