I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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