Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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