I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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