Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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