I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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