So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize