woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
