He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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