I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize