you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
