the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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