I am spending my child support on dildos
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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