i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
