I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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