Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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