He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
