You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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