I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
