I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize